You Can't Win 'Em All! Episode 3: Boat Antics
by TheMortalSlab
Summary: When the gang misses their ride to Canalave, they come across the greatest Captain in the universe! Unfortunately, their "new ride" turns out to be their "last ride".


**Screw this; I'm bigger than some stupid disclaimer! (Seriously though, I don't own Nintendo… or FOX)**

**Narrator:**

**When we last left our heroes, they solved the metal crisis on Iron Island, and were about to head back to Canalave City, when an injured Turtwig delayed their departure! Now that Turtwig is healed, the gang can finally return to the city from which they came, but what mysteries lay in store for them _this_ week?**

**"Hey look, there's the boat!" yelled Brock, as he pointed to the large structure approaching them.**

**"Yea, we can finally get back to Canalave!" proclaimed Dawn, as she jumped in excitement (yeah, woo-hoo, a boat…).**

**"And we can get more training in for my next gym battle, right Pikachu?" asked Ash.**

**"Pika!" replied Pikachu, both obviously not able to understand one another.**

**As they approached the watercraft, they noticed it was rather large, having only planned to pick up 3 people. Once it docked, a shady looking character leapt out of the ship. Why, could it be? It was! The Captain was none other than Captain Zapp Brannigan! "A vast, ye shipmates!" the glorious Captain greeted the young idiots.**

**"Hi there, my name's Ash." Ash said.**

**"My name's Dawn, and this is Piplup," said Dawn, holding up her blue burden.**

**"And my name's Brock, but you can just call me 'Vulcan'," said Brock, for some reason.**

**"I'm much too handsome to care!" gloated the majestic major… of… ships.**

**They all boarded, and began to set sail back to Canalave City, when the Captain asked a simple favor.**

**"You know, this is a rather large ship, and it's hard to find good men for hire to clean it, so do you think you could help me clean it while I put this baby on auto-pilot?" asked the great Zapp.**

**"Uh, sure, I guess…" said Ash, as the group began to split up to take care of various boat chores. Little did they know that their "simple trip back to town" would be the last trip they ever take in _this_ world…?**

**Ash was to clean out the metal crates of used materials, while Dawn did what women do best: mop the floors of the ship (ouch). That left Brock with polishing the various shelves and ammunition the boat held. They each went to fulfill their duties; Ash on the lower deck, with Dawn and Brock on relatively opposite sides of the upper deck, and Zapp heading directly for the kitchen.**

**Ash began dumping the used materials into the (what I believe to be an) ocean. He lost grip of one of the crates, and it fell into the water. He noticed that it didn't sink, and thought to himself, _"Hmm, so Titanium is a buoyant material. I'd better remember that; that could come in handy later." _**

**Dawn began with the front of the ship, working it like a professional, as she happily sang the day away. "Alright, that just leaves the back, and the inner halls! I'll be done in no time!" said Dawn to herself valiantly.**

**Brock began with the ammunition room; cleaning the muskets like there was no tomorrow; polishing rifles left and right; a real handyman when it comes to firearms. As he finished up the last rifle, he lost his balance on the stool, accidently pulling the trigger, and SHOOTING HIMSELF IN THE FACE. It let off a rather loud bang, which startled everyone amongst the upper deck of the ship. His dead body now lay on the ship floor, slowly soaking in blood.**

**Zapp just continued filling his gut. He only managed to pull out his own gun in self-defense, and placed it on the table, as he continued stuffing his face. Dawn, now worried that something might have happened to Brock, began searching for him. After several minutes, she came across the scarlet mess of her ex-chef as he lay motionless in cold blood.**

**"AAAAAAAAAAAAH!" screamed Dawn, as she bolted from the room in search of the Captain. After double-taking the kitchen, she found the bloated Captain stuffing his face. "Captain, Brock shot himself, and-" she paused, and looked down in horror at the gun that sat before her, under the possession of the Captain. "Y-You! You killed Brock! You're a cruel bastard, I'm gonna call out my Pokémon!" she proclaimed. With his mouth full, Zapp had no chance for rebuttal, so with swift thinking, he glanced at the fork in his hand, and threw it directly at her, impaling her distraught face. The force of such an action threw her back to the wall, and she slugged down to the floor, as her now lifeless face ran red with blood. Zapp realized that this situation was now more important than food, so he fled the kitchen.**

**"Aah, all done!" said Ash, as he wiped off his clothes and returned to the top of the ship. "Hmm, where is everybody?" he asked himself, as he began searching for company. He first came across the corpse of his ex-best friend/ex- Pokémon feeder, and shrieked in pure ecstasy, I mean, pure horror. He began running through the other rooms, hoping to find someone to report this to. He finally entered the kitchen, only to see the corpse of his good friend/jail bait in a bloody mess before his feet.**

**"DAAAAAAAAAWN!" Ash screamed, coming to the realization that he now has no friends. He almost felt compassion, but his manliness prevented him from doing so. He knew that there was only one person who could've done this: the Captain.**

**Just as he figured this, a lurking voice crept up behind him; "Well well well, look what we have here: one more victim to add to my collection! Ha ha haaa!" Zapp said triumphantly. Ash turned to see the Captain's fiery eyes embrace his fearful state of mind. "I hope you've enjoyed your last day on Earth, boy."**

**Ash quickly grabbed the nearest Pokéball on his belt, and threw it in his protection. What happened to Pikachu, you might ask? Who cares? Out pops Charizard. Why does Ash have Charizard? Again, who cares? "Charizard, use Wing Attack!" Ash commands. Charizard obeys with a blown kiss, and a funny feeling in Ash's pants. He slapped his giant wings against the ornery Captain's gorgeous face. "Now, use Flamethrower!" yelled Ash, as Charizard shot massive flames from his mouth-hole. Zapp managed to dodge it, but unfortunately, he made contact with the engine after burning through the floor, which caused a minor explosion, throwing the Captain and Charizard against the wall, knocking them unconscious. The ship began to sink, and within minutes, the ship was at the bottom of the sea, drowning everyone on board.**

**Except for Ash.**

**Yes, when young Ash was rummaging through the lower deck, he came across a small sailboat made out of, you guessed it, Titanium. As the Flamethrower was administered, Ash made his valiant escape through the boat's launch into de wata. As he looked back at the sinking ship full of his good friends and Pokémon, he wiped a tear from his face, and proclaimed with a sigh, "Well, I guess you can't win 'em all!"**

**With those words, Ash floated amongst the open sea with the sun shining and a smile on his face. He sailed along happily back to Canalave City and began singing (oh god, you saw this coming…):**

**Aww shit**  
**Get your towels ready it's about to go down**  
**Everybody in the place hit the fuckin deck**  
**But stay on your motherfuckin toes**  
**We runnin this, let's go**

**I'm on a boat**  
**I'm on a boat**  
**Everybody look at me cause I'm sailin on a boat**  
**I'm on a boat**  
**I'm on a boat**  
**Take a good hard look at the motherfuckin boat**

**I'm on a boat motherfucker take a look at me**  
**Straight floatin on a boat on the deep blue sea**  
**Bustin five knots, wind whippin at my coat**  
**You can't stop me motherfucker cause I'm on a boat**

**Take a picture, trick, I'm on a boat, bitch**  
**We drinking Santana champ, cause it's so crisp**  
**I got my swim trunks, and my flippie-floppies**  
**I'm flippin burgers, you at Kinko's straight flippin copies**

**I'm ridin on a dolphin, doin flips and shit**  
**This dolphin's splashin, gettin e'rybody all wet**  
**But this ain't Seaworld, this is real as it gets**  
**I'm on a boat motherfucker, don't you ever forget**

**I'm on a boat and, it's goin fast and**  
**I got a nautical themed pashmina afghan**  
**I'm the king of the world, on a boat like Leo**  
**If you're on the shore, then you're sho' not me-oh**

**Get the fuck up, this boat is real**

**Fuck land, I'm on a boat, motherfucker**  
**Fuck trees, I climb buoys, motherfucker**  
**I'm on the deck with my boys, motherfucker**  
**The boat engine make noise, motherfucker**

**Hey ma, if you could see me now**  
**Arms spread wide on the starboard bow**  
**Gonna fly this boat to the moon somehow**  
**Like Kevin Garnett, anything is possible**

**Yeah, never thought I'd be on a boat**  
**It's a big blue watery road**  
**Poseidon, Look at me, oh**  
**Never thought I'd see the day**  
**When a big boat comin my way**  
**Believe me when I say, I fucked a mermaid**

**I'm on a boat**  
**I'm on a boat**  
**Everybody look at me cause im sailin on a boat**  
**I'm on a boat**  
**I'm on a boat**  
**Take a good hard look at the motherfuckin boat**

**Whoahhh**  
**Sha-sha-shorty, shorty**  
**Yeah yeah yeahhh**


End file.
